Czech Republic

Out

2007-06-11T02:35:00.000+03:00

I'm no longer in this shithole.

It's great.

New posts may be sporadic, but you'll always have a bit of phil in you. Some more than others.

Straight outta Welwyn

2007-06-05T02:09:00.001+03:00

You are now about to witness the strength of Rob's knowledge
Straight outta Welwyn crazy motherfucker named Ol’Squidgy
From the gang called Albino's With Attitudes
When I'm turned on I got a strap on
poke my plastic dong and bodies are hauled off
You too Mike if ya fuck with me
The police are gonna hafta come and get me
Drinking motherfuckin Teriyaki.
In your ass that's how I'm goin out
For the punk motherfuckers that's showin out
Pasties start to mumble, they wanna rumble
Mix em and cook em in a pot like Stir fry
Goin off on a motherfucker like that
with a gat that's pointed at yo ass
So give it up smooth
Ain't no tellin when I'm down for a jack move
Here's a murder rap to keep yo dancin
with a crime record like John Ronald Tolkein
My pen is the tool
Don't make me act the motherfuckin fool
Me you can go toe to toe, no maybe
I'm knockin quocks out tha box, daily
yo weekly, monthly and yearly
until them dumb motherfuckers see clearly
that I'm down with the capital Welwyn city
Boy you can't fuck with me
So when I'm in your neighborhood, you better duck
Coz Rob Prescott is crazy as fuck
As I leave, believe I'm stompin
but when I come back, boy, I'm comin straight outta Welwyn

[Thanks to MSD for contributing]

Little Quock on the Prairie

2007-06-05T00:09:00.001+03:00

The rain falls hard on Pilsen town; this town has dragged me down.

2007-06-04T04:29:00.000+03:00

First of all a word from our contributing editor, Christopher Milligan. “The only occasions on which I had a good time in Pilsen was when my mates were visiting and when Jack’s brother was here. I believe this could suggest that in fact it is not Pilsen that is shit but rather it is the fucking mongs I am here with.”

Anyway, enough of his ramblings.

This is about general observations that czrant has…observed over the past months.

Camouflage
Czechs seem obsessed by wearing it. Pretty strange really. Whereas the Poles are the “first to fight” it seems the Czechs are usually last, so the obsession with Camo clothing boggles the mind. One of their national heroes is an inept soldier. This sums them up nicely.

El Cid waitresses
Being an El Cid waitress boosts your attractiveness by 10. I’m even beginning to develop a taste for the grueller. Hamster definitely wants my cock as well.

Brittle Bones
Czechs appear to have weak bones. Everyday I see at least 5 broken hands/legs…everything basically. This could be the result of brutal “Leslie Ash sex”, but I’m not sure. Oh look there’s another one…

Misc
The rest of my notes on observations are slightly random. They include:-
o Christopher Thomas = Shaquille O'Neal?

o Drawing Shildon = Gaylord
o Your Mercedes wasn’t good enough for Phil.
o Elvira – Nuremberg. Fit waitress. Also wanted my cock.
o Steve ate Elodie and then exploded - this came from the story in the BBC that a snake ate an alligator then exploded(or something). This reminded me of Steve 'kissing' Elodie. Pair of freaks. (See Below)

[Patagonia, in South America and i'm looking for something rather special. Yes there he is, it's the Steve Bold. And a big fella too. About 18 inches from tip to tail. That downturned snout's nearly 18ft long.]

o Chocolate fondante

Frankly, Mr Prescott

2007-05-23T01:44:00.001+03:00

Frankly, Mr. Prescott, you're a sickening wreck
you've got the publishers breathing down your neck
You must move fast, you understand me
you want to deny holocaust history, Mr. Prescott.

Baby i'm just like my father Roy Bold.

2007-05-22T21:49:00.000+03:00

One of our researchers here at czrant spotted a startling similarity between Litivenko and von Prescott. As you can see below. Obviously you have to take into account that von Prescott is an albino tosser, and that Litivenko didn't always look like he does below.

Jakub Jan Ryba awards 2006/07

2007-05-19T22:32:00.000+03:00

Jakub Jan Ryba awards 2006/07

Political Correctness award

To Michael Stuart Dowd, of Bishop Auckland. In apologising for Britain’s part in the slave trade, he spelt “Africa” and Africans” with a K, “because it is the preferred spelling among Afro-Caribbean communities and those who work with black and ethnic minority groups.” Oh yeah? He also referred to his new room mate as being “Ok, for a black fella.”

Money down the drain award

To the trip to Milan. The “biggest cum bucket in the world.” According to some observers.

Arse and Elbow award

S. Bold. He really hasn’t proven his academic prowess this year, the poor fella. Starting an essay with “I talked to some Lithuanians who told me” is one good example, as well as blatantly copying and pasting from Wikipedia. Thankfully his social life is awesome, weekend breaks with Paco, fingering French lasses in Jacuzzis. Bliss.

Cock and Bull award

Michael Thomas. Having been found with pictures of penises on his laptop he claimed they were there to help him with serious research into the male member. He said he was concerned that EU-approved condoms might not fit the men of Stockport. He then sued his housemates over their ‘covert surveillance” claiming 35,000kc under the Human Rights Act. He lost.

Plain English Award

Barclay Prescott III. For bringing a bit of elegance, panache and Received Pronunciation to the house. Regardless of the fact that he may or may not have Asperser’s syndrome and can be a complete bell end, we here at the awards committee believe Barclay to be a worthy recipient of this award.

Non-Event of the Year

Steve’s birthday. Also when he stated, “I hate Dan and I hate Jack.” – no one cared, apart from Damien who whole-heartedly agreed with the proclamation.

Send-off of the Year.

To MSD. The journey to the airport involved typing obscenities about Barclaus, blasting out Kate Bush (in particular 'Running Up That Hill' with the lyrics changed to “Make a deal with Rob.” Rather than “God” to you none Kate Bush fans.) and typing obscenities about Barclaus. The only dampener on the day was the extortionate fee forced upon the poor Jewish lad by the imperial overlord Rob. £20 for a lift to the airport? Cunt springs to mind, sunbeam. The journey back involved unbearable silences and a few tears.

[Ethnic unity - previously unseen in the Czech Republic.]

French

2007-05-16T00:40:00.000+03:00

First Stevo and Elodie, now Barclay and the girl who is allergic to nuts...Do these French girls have no sense of smell? How can anyone find either Steve or Robertek attractive. Granted neither of the girls were particularly fit, some believe Elodie was descended from aliens a-la Robert Earnshaw, but surely their senses work similar to ours. Rob smells of cheesy feet and Steve is a greasy cock. There is a well known quote from De Gaulle about France having 246 kinds of cheeses, so this may explain the love that Elodie and Nut-Girl have for the two stinky Englishmen.

I myself use Clinique Happy to ensure fresh smelling, whereas Rob has never used shaving foam in the 22 years of pointless existence that has been his life.

Mind boggling, comrades.

Phil 'Tuffers' Tuffnell

Dr. Phil Lynott’s guide to Pilsen (Mainly for incoming ERASMUS Students)

2007-05-15T01:51:00.000+03:00

Pilsen is a cum-bucket town located on the river Berounka in West Bohemia, some 90km from Prague. Pilsen is not renowned for its tourism, mainly due to there being fuck all to do in the town, however I will attempt to separate the good from the bad in this god-awful town.

Girls

Czech girls are famous all over the world for their attractive looks, lack of personality, bad body odour and devotion to anything money-related.

Beer

Czech beer is also famous all over the world. Czechs brew so many varieties that not even they themselves know how many there actually are. Their isolation as a part of the communist empire led to maintaining of the quality, whereas foreign beer nations have adopted mass-production techniques and the quality of their product has deteriorated. Czechs have, however, managed to adopt similar techniques in a very surprising speed and most of the beer they produce now is absolute piss.

Pilsen is the home to Pilsner Urquell, which seems to be one of the only things the place has going for it. It’s a nice beer but they half go on about it.

http://www.prazdroj.cz/en/

Opening times Daily 10.00 - 18.00 hours (April - December)
Daily 10.00 - 17.00 hours (January - March).

Not even sure why they rave on about it, it was set up by Germans.

Only joking, the women aren’t that bad and the beers ok…anyway.

On a serious note, however…

Places to Eat

It is common knowledge that most Czech food tastes like dog shit, however Pilsen is still blessed with a few good, and some ok eateries. El Cid is a Spanish tapas restaurant with exemplary service from waiters and bar staff a like. They also have a fit waitress called Sarka. . Amfora, a little Italian place serves up good Pizza, and can be found just off the main square. If you want an Italian this is probably the place to go, avoid Capone’s pizzeria, you will more than likely have to wait more than two hours and they will bring Croquettes covered in bull’s semen rather than the fries you ordered, they will probably have also let the Dado Prso look-alike chef ejaculate on your pizza. Rango, again just off the main square, is also acceptable, however it is not up to the same standards of El Cid. Even if certain individuals claim otherwise. The tossers.

The rough guide recommends Dolce Vita and U Salzmannu, but they’re both horrible. Trust Phil with this one.

Bars and Clubs

The rough guide doesn’t recommend anything. This is probably a good idea because all the places are wank. There are a few half decent bars and pubs. Ph+ and Husa, which are next door to each other. There is a club downstairs in Ph+, which can be ok if you don’t care about the terrible euro-dance filthy shit they blast out. Obviously alcohol is very cheap everywhere in the town, so you can get wankered and hopefully the music will become blurry and you won’t remember how awful it is after a while. Club no. 13 is a back street pub, serving ridiculously cheap beer and edible, if not amazing food. Expect hostile service from the bar staff, although once you dig deeper you’ll realise the massive barman is in fact a gentle giant. El Cid is good for cocktails. Klub Oko is recommended if you enjoy playing pool and listening to a mixture of Dire Straits, Falco, The Stranglers, The Cure and other awesome bands on the jukebox. It’s located in the seedy end of town, near to Erotic City. Erotic City is also a good place to hide from aforementioned Liverpuddlians if you don’t like them very much.

Student accommodation

It’s horrendous and you are probably best off finding private accommodation as soon as possible. Just ensure you don’t end up living with arrogant bell ends from garden cities and greasy Liverpuddlians. A screening process similar to the post-communist lustration policies for housemates is advised. Make sure you don’t get put in Bolevecka with Durham students who look like dogs as well; it drove two Salfordians insane after a matter of weeks. You’ll probably end up with a 28-year-old Spanish tosser though.[A photo of the bathroom you will have to share with three other people, one of them possibly being an annoying southerner who you will probably walk in on getting changed. The silly bastard should have locked the door.]

Fraternising with the Locals.

It should be made clear that this is severely frowned upon by all, especially if they are sweaty. The affects of this can also be extremely devastating. One comrade had to leave the town after only a few months after contracting glandular fever from one of the hoors. Actually thinking about it, he got to leave this hellhole early so it had some benefits. He’s still feeling the fever nearly six months on though, so probably not….

Weekends in the City

All the shops close so don’t expect to be able to buy a Guardian to find out where you went wrong with yesterdays crossword. You probably won't buy one everyday though as it costs £2, rather than 20p.

Lectures

Czechs seem to think going to work at 6 in the morning is fun, so many of the lectures may start at 7:30am. Thankfully for you, since we never turned up to them it is more than likely that in the following years they will start at normal times for students such as after midday. (Even then it’s an effort to make them).

Where to Shop

You should stock up on high fashion whilst at home unless you’re looking to sport early 1990s shell suits. These aren’t the trendy ones either. For food, Kaufland is probably the place if situated in the Bolevecka student shithole. Albert and Penny Market are accessible if you get the No. 1 tram in the direction of Bolevec. Penny Market is shit, and the staff are rude. Albert sells Fruschetta Pizza’s and some other half decent things although since there are no ovens in the student halls this means nothing to you. There are a few Tesco stores around town, although they don’t sell the same things as back home…plus they’re a bit of a bastard to get to unless you can be arsed, which is unlikely.

Body Odour

[Copied from previous blog]

"...When you travel by public transportation, go shopping or just visit a restaurant, you may get a very palpable sniff of human bodies. Or, to put it plainly; many people, regardless of their gender, are proud to smell of sweat. Lots of those who don’t smell are happy to put up with the odour and deodorants are still widely perceived as the privilege of homosexuals or social climbers. However if you complain about the smell, you'll only make a fool of yourself. This leaves you with two options; either pretend not to notice the stench or start smelling yourself!"

Disgusting, isn’t it? But true.

Travelling to Prague

Czech trains are shit. Less than 10% of the lines allow speeds of over 120kph. What this means is that it takes nearly two hours to travel 90km. Get the bus it takes around one hour. In fact, it’s probably advisable to spend most of your time in Prague, as you are likely to exhaust Pilsen after a few days. The train usually costs around £3.50 whereas the bus is a staggeringly cheap 70kc, which roughly translates to around £1.75ish. They leave every hour from Pilsen bus station; they’re big and yellow like Barclay's teeth.

Conclusion

This will do for now. Edits may occur in future if and when necessary. I hope this helps, and remember to enjoy yourself in the armpit of the world. I apologise if this is littered with spelling mistakes as i have lost the motivation to live whilst being here.

Dr. Phil Lynott.
Bsc, Msc, Dcock.

Czech music to 'look out for'

2007-04-16T22:20:00.000+02:00

Being the musical genius that i am i thought it might be a good idea to introduce a few of my top tips for 2007. These are the bands i think will be big (within the Czech lands exclusively since no one else wants to listen to this pop-drivel)

The first band deserving of a mention would have to be Lewron Orchestra who's musical style could only be described as being a cross between medieval court music and a Czech version of Sigur Ros with no talent, on acid. 'Czech it out'.

Secondly, would be Precedens. I can't remember much about this band and can not think of one reason why you should listen to them. You can download some of their dogshit music here.

Then we come to the final band who call themselves Imodium, probably because their blend of music usually results in painful diarrhea. Imodium's friends list contains such bands as Korn and STAIND, which says it all. They play pop-punk niceties with little talent and are guaranteed to be huge.

Watch this space chums.

Phil Mitchell

sweaty quocks

2007-03-28T16:46:00.000+02:00

"...when you travel by public transportation, go shopping or just visit a restaraunt, you may get a very palpable sniff of human bodies. Or, to put it plainly; many people, regardless of their gender, are proud to smell of sweat. Lots of those who dont smell are happy to put up with the odour and deodorants are still widely perceived as the privilege of homosexuals or social climbers. However if you complain about the smell, you'll only make a fool of yourself. This leaves you with two options; either pretend not to notice the stench or start smelling yourself!"

- Terje B. Englund “The Czechs in a Nutshell” (2004)

Now then pets, i'm not quite sure how anyone could be proud of smelling like Prescott's feet but that's the tip of the iceberg.

It's the fact that complaining about the stinky body odour that wafts around the public transport will lead to one making a fool of themself. I'd rather smell nice and complain than stink of shit, ta very much.

Phil Babb.

Tea

2007-03-27T16:19:00.001+02:00

So there i was trying to get an essay plan together. I thought that a nice cup of tea would help raise spirits and inspire me to create a masterpiece. How wrong could i be.

It looks like tea, which is where the similarities end. It tastes like fermented rabbit's piss. It's strange, if they can't pickle something it usually turns out tasting horrible (Beer being one exception). Another classic example being Kofola. Apparently it's the biggest rival to Coke and Pepsi in the Czech Republic and Slovakia, which i find hard to believe. The only people i can imagine buying the shit are people with no sense of taste.

Lots of love,

Phil Masinga

Top 10 Songs to Soundtrack Mindless Escapism in Czech Pool Halls

2007-03-26T21:51:00.001+02:00

There are not enough adjectives to describe how wonderful this list is, so i won't even bother to attempt to.

Just enjoy it.

Lots of love,

Phil.

Initial thoughts

2007-03-26T14:06:00.000+02:00

Thoughts

I'm currently sat in El Cid, a tapas bar once affectionately described by Michael Stuart Dowd as "Pilsen's redeeming feature." It's a place that allows me to accurately reflect and assess the state of this nation. Having been here since September 2006, more than six months, i believe i can describe the main problems currently faced by the Czech Republic.

Firstly, what i consider to be the major problem is 'negative self-stereotypes' and an abundance of libidinal energy. Ladislav Holy put forward that the majority of stereotypes that Czechs attribute to themselves are inherently of a negative nature. Quite frankly i would go along with this theory. Apart from that El Cid staff, a lot of Czechs come across as being surly and rude. Furthermore, it would also seem they become emotionally attached quite easily. It is probably as a result of this that libidinal energy festers so much within society. This can only be one of the reasons though. The legacy of communism is another. Under Communism both males and females faced burdens. For women this was a three pronged burden, they were expected to work, be good wives and raise children. This no doubt limited their libidinal energy. After the velvet revolution this suppression of libido dissipated.

Why is this a problem to Czech society?

The flow of libidinal energy has led to political instability, politicians are too busy thinking about shagging, and have no time to compromise with anyone. This is emphasised most by the crisis that occurred after the 2006 elections. It took over six months for any kind of cohesive government to form. Obviously something is wrong. To a certain extent it's the democratic political culture not having developed since the fall of communism. However I put forward that the lack of compromise between the major parties is as result of libidinal energy rather than any ideological differences. Vaclav Klaus has been one of the main culprits, however his inability to compromise is probably due to him trying to make up for his tiny penis, rather than any libidinal energy.

The spate of corruption that has occurred since the fall of communism can also be attributed to the sexual liberation after the fall of communism, although political culture is probably a more valid reason. Although corruption is still likely to exist even in countries with a long tradition of democracy.

What can be done?

Hospitality courses for all Czechs apart from Martin Vogel
Replacement of Klaus as president, he gets involved far too much.
Stiffer sentences for corruption
Better hygiene within the Czech lands.
Return of Milos Zeman

All of this may seem slightly negative, but that is what comes from living in a town oft-described as being the "armpit of Europe" by certain individuals. Prague may seem like a nice city, but venture out of that haven and you will find a post-communist industrial Skoda wasteland, where Czechs are Czechs and Roma are...marginalised and cummed upon